


All I Want, All You Can Give

by Speary



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 12x12, 5 Times, Blow Jobs, Coda, Destiel - Freeform, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Frottage, Hugs, M/M, POV Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-25 15:28:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9826436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Speary/pseuds/Speary
Summary: Somehow, some way, Dean stopped caring about how long the hugs lasted. They were a regular occurrence now and so necessary. He'd hold Cas and forget what was weighing him down. He'd hold Cas and let himself almost do more. He was warm and solid, an anchor that kept him from getting tossed out to sea. Dean knew he needed this. He hoped Cas needed it. Dean thought that maybe Cas did. And in the end it felt like something good, something to hold onto.Coda 12x12





	1. It Mattered

**Author's Note:**

> This is meant to be a coda to 12x12. It meanders though, in and out of the episode time line. I pulled some lines but glossed over other conversational moment. We all just watched the episode after all. We don't need to hear it all again. We need hugs. So hopefully this fic delivers on that. They hug, a lot. I've broken it into chapters that reflect a five times fic. Essentially, this is a five times they hugged, and one time it lead to sex. My buddies over in the Agincourt DM gave me a title, advanced cuddling. They didn't cuddle enough though, and this almost became amateur cuddling. Instead I worked a line in where I mention the advanced cuddling. Anyway, enough about that. Love ya. Enjoy the read.

He hugged him fierce and strong the moment that he came back into the bunker. The hug was the type to remember, and it seemed like they’d been having more of them lately. Dean let this one linger even more than the ones from before. He let it linger in his thoughts too. The angels had their sacred oath, but Cas seemed like he was continually in a grey area where that was concerned. 

One could say that a hug is nothing, is everything, matters or doesn’t matter. Dean was steadily falling into the camp of it mattering a great deal. He found himself plotting and planning the next opportunity, the next chance at connecting. He didn’t let the thoughts dive too close to anything more, but there was an almost obsessive bit of focus placed on the moments, the deep warm moments spent in each other’s space that one could say were absolutely a dive into the deep end of the pool.

Dean got his memories back and with them something that resembled an epiphany. He got back to the bunker and Cas was there, looking like he’d been pacing a through into the cement floor. Dean went right to him and hugged him. He dug his fingers into the folds of the trench coat’s fabric. He dipped his cheek in just a little so that he could feel the smooth slide of skin against his own day’s growth of stubble. He breathed in the smell of him, the warmth, the closeness, the moment. Cas held him too, like he thought he’d lost him. He almost had, and truth be told every day was a risk. Every day they each could lose the other. The hug went on a little longer that day as Dean came to realize that.

It mattered.

It was everything. 


	2. Cosmic Consequences

He settled back into routines. He slept. He ate. He thought. And that gave way to worry. Dean had been researching at the table across from Sam. They’d ordered a pizza and drank some beers. It was peaceful and far too quiet. Cas slouched in a chair pushed back from the table. He waved off the offering of pizza and kept on working through some of the digital books that Sam had uploaded to the tablet. 

The quiet hum of the lights almost made Dean sleepy, and he never did well with prolonged periods of stillness. He chanced a glance at Cas then. The glance turned into some sort of prolonged stare. Frustrated, he closed his laptop and got up. “Heading to bed.”

Sam’s face scrunched up a little. “Really?” He glanced back down at the computer in front of him, presumably at the time. “It’s not even 10:00 yet.”

“Yeah, I’m just done. You two got this.” As he passed Cas, he gave his shoulder a little squeeze and a pat. Cas looked up at him like he too was going to question Dean’s life choices. Dean didn’t give him that chance. He moved off to the hall and then to his very cold, empty room.

Once there, he hardly felt tired.  _ Figures _ . His heart was beating fast, and his hands were a little sweaty. He tried not to think about the cause or the fact that apparently now, even the smallest measure of proximity could do him in. He’d been thinking too much about the situation. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t worried. It always seemed like they were doomed to some bad thing or another just as soon as they’d found a measure of peace.

_ Who am I kidding? There’s never peace.  _ Dean looked down at his desk, at the newest photo that he’d added to his collection of family mementos. It was a picture of him, Sam, his mom, and Cas. It was a selfie taken outside with Baby in the background. He hated that sort of thing normally, but somehow he’d gotten it into his head that he’d needed it. He had old sun bleached pictures of his parents from decades ago, a tragic picture of himself with Bobby, Sam, Cas, Jo, and Ellen. It was hardly the kind of thing you could look at for too long though, not unless you wanted to have a good cry.

He picked up the new picture and looked at it. He felt the weight of the world settle on his shoulders. His arms slumped down. He turned to the far wall and leaned his head down to the shelf. It was an odd moment, but sometimes when everything gets to be too much, you just need to try to squeeze away the thoughts. He let his forehead press down onto the shelf. He stared down at the picture clutched in his hand.

There’d be cosmic consequences. There always were. He still didn’t like the idea that Cas was paying for his choices.  _ My choices, my consequences.  _ He felt his breathing growing ragged. He didn’t want to give into the well of emotions that were threatening to spill over. There was something looming over them all though, and he didn’t know what he’d do if he had to see it all play out.  

He felt his hand start to shake, so he tightened his grip on the frame, the picture. He’d hold onto it. He wouldn’t let it fall. He wouldn’t let it break. He heard the door to his room open without a knock, but he didn’t move. Some small part of him had given up a little. “Dean.” Cas’ voice was filling the silence with more than just his name. Dean didn’t move. He didn’t respond. He could hear Cas close the door. 

Dean wondered if he had just given up too, walked back out. Then Dean felt him at his back. Cas settled his chin on Dean’s shoulder and wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist. It was a different sort of hug, but it was also, all that Cas could offer given Dean’s present position. Cas tightened his hold on Dean and held on like he could will him into being okay. “It’s ridiculous right?”

“What is?” Cas breathed out the question along Dean’s jaw line. It was a type of kiss, carrying the same affection, the same concern. 

“I can’t seem to stop worrying about the cosmic consequences. I can’t stop thinking about what I’ve done to you. I did this. I’m the one that summoned Billie. Now you’re paying for my choices. I just needed to be stronger. They broke me faster than Hell.”

“You don’t need to carry this, Dean. I made my choice. I’d gladly make it again. Like I said, you and Sam, Mary too, you’re everything.” Dean could hear the sincerity, the rough edge to each and every syllable. He tipped his head a little, resting it more fully against Cas.

Dean reached over to the desk and set down his picture. Then he reached up and settled his own hands over Cas’. He figured he could stay like this for a time, maybe forever. He’d at least stay like this as long as Cas would let him. “We won’t be okay if we lose you.”  _ Still with the we statements. Shit. I won’t be okay. I won’t be okay. _

“Then I need to make sure not to go anywhere.” He was playing it off like a joke. His tone was almost light. Dean didn’t let him get away with it. It was a Dean Winchester move, and he was not okay with that.

“Cosmic consequences, Cas.” He let him go and stepped away enough to turn and face him. Cas’ expression was enough to stop him in his planned diatribe.

“I know.”

“Do you?” It was a dumb question, whispered on dumb air, in a dumb moment, that Dean hated so much. 

“I promise not to go gentle into that good night or anything like that.” Cas started to reach out to him and then let his arm retreat. Dean saw the move for what it almost was. 

He dropped his head a little and felt the pressure build again in his head, just behind his eyes. “I’m trying not to let it get to me. I’m pretty much worrying about it nonstop though.”

“I’m sorry, Dean.”

“You’re not. You’d do it all again, but I get what you mean just the same.” He glanced at the bed then back at Cas. “I need to sleep.” He rubbed at his temples a moment.

“Are you sick?” Cas reached out to him with two fingers, intending to send healing Dean’s way. Dean waved him off though. Cas couldn’t fix this.

“Goodnight, Cas.” Cas looked a little sad, a little defeated, but he donned a smile at the end and nodded as he went out the door. 


	3. I Love You Too

Mom had been off. Sam heard from her and there was some sort of a mission, a demon maybe. It was unclear. They were going to meet up at a diner. She was bringing a guy, a hunter named Wally. They’d heard a bit about him. He seemed cool. She said that they had a plan. No worries. What could go wrong? _Yeah._

And of course, even when you see it all going to shit, there’s still that moment in every Winchester’s life when it somehow manages to get even worse. Cas couldn’t heal himself, and Dean couldn’t deal. He could only say, “No, no you just need a little time.” He couldn’t handle any of it. He had to get up be busy.

Dean looked down at his hand. It was warm from where he’d set it on Cas. A small smear of blood was streaked across his palm. He felt the muscles throughout his body contract. _Focus, focus, goddamnit focus._ His heart was hammering in his chest. Mary was saying something. Dean took a deep breath and tried to press down the fear that was taking over him. The barn smells thankfully almost masked the smell of the blood in the air.

And time, time, time, it passed, and Dean could hear everything, even himself like it was all coming down the line from some distant tunnel. Cas was dying, and there was no cure. Cas was dying. Dying. _There’s always a cure. There’s always a cure._ He was at his side again, waiting for something, anything to make sense.

He could barely focus, barely hear the words Cas was saying as he interrupted them. “No, no you listen to me.” He stopped and his chest seemed to heave with the effort of making himself heard. “Thank you. Thank you. Knowing you, it’s been the best part of my life.” Dean felt the words pummel him. _Cas, no._ This angel that has lived forever. He saw peace and watched bees. He couldn’t mean it. _What did we ever give you that wasn’t pain? God, Cas no._ He continued, “The things we’ve shared together, have changed me.” He seemed to be struggling. Dean wanted to help. He wanted to pull him close or find something to crush. Instead, he stood a little farther back than the rest. “You’re my family. I love you. I love all of you.”

And Dean saw it, the small glance that Cas gave him with the words. _God, this is how I’ll die._ Dean squeezed his eyes closed a moment and tried with all his might to find the path, the one that would lead to salvation. There was more, so much more that they needed to say to each other. _Of course he wants us to run, to leave._

Thankfully Sam spoke up. “We are fighting. We’re fighting for you, Cas.”

Dean backed him up, “And like you said, you are family. We don’t leave family behind.”

Time was passing almost tangibly until they fought, holy fire blasted away by the spear. Time passed, and Cas was rotting away. Time passed, and he was dying. Dean felt himself  dying right there with him. _I’m not okay. I’m not okay._ And then time passed, and Crowley was saving them with a “You’re welcome.”

They lifted Cas together, because they’re family. Dean held back. He didn’t pull him to his chest. He didn’t crush him close like he wanted to so much. Instead he kept his hand, clutched it tight. He reached up with his other hand and pressed comfort into Cas’ shoulder. He squeezed his hand, and Cas squeezed him back before releasing him and walking on.

They stood outside of the barn. They had three cars between them, two at the barn and one back at the diner. Mary pulled each of them into a hug. She cupped Cas’ cheeks in her hands and pulled his head down. She kissed his forehead. “No one gets to hurt my boys.” He gave her a half smile. She let him go and stepped away. She turned to them one last time, and with a wave, she left.

Dean tossed the keys to Sam and said, “You can drive us back to Cas’ truck. I’m gonna drive Cas home.” Sam gave him a nod and headed off to the car. Dean pulled Cas into his side, a half hug that he told himself was necessary if they were gonna keep Cas upright all the way back to the car and later back to Cas’ truck. He worried that if he didn’t keep in contact, that something would go wrong. When he got Cas into the passenger’s side, and he closed the door gently between them. He rounded to the driver’s side and got in swiftly. Time passed, and they drove on.

“I love you too, Cas.” Dean looked at him a moment as they drove. “I love you too.” Cas said nothing. He closed his eyes though, and Dean took comfort in the way that he looked like he was maybe going to sleep. He looked like he wasn’t hurting, just tired, and maybe a little human.


	4. Two Things

They were home. Cas seemed fine and also not. Dean could read him a little, the subtle ways in which he avoided eye contact, the tentative smiles, the way he forced himself to stand a little too straight. In that, Dean saw that Cas was covering up for something, some pain maybe. He worried that perhaps he wasn’t all healed. 

Dean found him in the stacks looking through the books that Sam had yet to digitize. The air was thick and dusty. Dean sneezed as he made his way down the aisle. Cas looked up at him as he approached. He gave Dean another of the tentative smiles. He looked back down at his book. Dean leaned into the bookshelf across from him. He waited. A simple  _ hello _ would be enough, but Cas was practicing brevity apparently, and today he was devout in his new faith.

Dean broke the silence. “So, are we talking?”

Cas let out a sigh, that he’d likely held for a millenia. He closed the book that he held, and a little puff of dust rose up from it. “Are you okay?”

Dean felt like Cas was always asking this, so he reversed the question. “Are you?”

“I told you not to worry. The healing is slow, but I’m healing.” Cas turned from him and slid the book back into an empty spot on the shelf. Dean noted the title which he roughly translated as:  _ On Nephilim _ . 

“Any luck?” Dean waved a hand at the book.

“No, I…” Cas didn’t turn back to him fully. 

“Why are you avoiding me?” Dean threw out the question. He’d asked it a million times in his head. 

“I’m not.” Cas looked at him now. “Not exactly.”

“What’s going on?” Dean pushed off the shelf and brought himself closer.

“It’s been a little difficult for you. You worry about things you can’t do anything about. I’m trying my best to make things easier.”

Dean moved closer. He puffed himself up a little, let his hands skitter across the air filled with electricity. His fingers brushed the backs of Cas’ hands. “You know what’ll make things easier?”

Cas looked steadily into his eyes and said, “No.”

Dean brought his hand up and beckoned Cas closer with a curl of his finger, like he had to impart some great secret. Cas leaned in closer, his ear was right next to Dean’s lips. “Stop being an idiot.” Cas started to lean away, and Dean laughed at him. “You don’t get to avoid me because you think I worry too much.” He pulled Cas into a hug and felt him stiffen with the contact. Dean spoke right into Cas’ ear, a near whisper. “I worry twice as much when you’re like this or when you aren’t around. So if you want to make things easier do two things for me.”

He felt Cas’ arms come up and surround him. “What two things?” Dean breathed him in. 

“One, talk to me, all the time. Like, don’t just talk to me when you think I’m hurt or when you’ve found a case or the devil baby mama leads.” Cas started to let him go so that he could maybe look at him funny. Dean didn’t let him go. He went on. “Talk to me about mundane shit. Talk to me about your day, and I’ll tell you about mine, like normal people do.”

“And the second thing?” 

_ God this feels right. _ “The second thing, yeah. That’s the important one.” He leaned back a little and looked at him, really looked at him. “Stay.”

“Stay?” Cas looked confused.

“Near me. Here or out there doesn’t matter. I could go with you when you have your missions. It doesn’t have to be Crowley that you take along. In fact, I’d rather it was me. And that’s only if you have to leave. We’re in this together, okay?”

“Because we’re family, and family sticks together?” It seemed like a question.

“Something like that.” Dean leaned down and rested his forehead against Cas’ own. “Just promise me you’ll go along with those two things.” 

A heartbeat kicked hard at the inside of his chest. He wanted more than he could ask for here, but he’d be willing to accept these two things. “You have my word.”

Dean pulled him back close and settled for holding him here in the dark and air that was dust.


	5. The Art

He was looking for a tool. He was far beneath the car, but his hand ventured out to the toolbox. He fumbled around, and found flesh instead of cold metal. He slid out a little. “Hey, Cas.”

“You said that I needed to stay near you.”

“I did.”

Cas stood back up and shuffled a bit. “Is this near enough?”

Dean laughed. _No, not by a long shot._ “Yes.” He slid back under the car and kept tinkering. “You gonna talk to me too?”

“Yes.” Then Cas fell silent. “How about those Royals?”

Dean slid back out from under the car and gave him a raised eyebrowed glare. “Seriously, you went with that?”

“Seemed like a direction.” Cas came back down to a crouch near the car. Dean was practically staring up between his legs.

“It was a direction. The wrong one.” Dean scoffed and slid back under the car. “Spring training starts up in a bit, but you don’t care about baseball.”

“I could, and the Royals are from Kansas, like you.”

Dean slid back out for that. “So you want to talk about baseball because Kansas has a team, and I’m from Kansas? Am I reading this right?”

“I’m trying. It’s easier on the phone. I can send you pictures or emoticons. It’s harder with this.” Cas waved a hand in front of himself signifying everything that was him.

“You do fine.” Dean committed to the outside. He rolled out alongside Cas and stared up at him. “Maybe just tell me what you’ve been up to all day.”

“I read over a 100 books today. None of them were helpful, but one had some art that I thought you would be interested in. I left it in your room.” Cas looked away.

“Art?” Dean sat up a little.

Cas leaned down and whispered near his ear, “There were tentacles and acts of sexual congress.” Dean fell back onto the slider with an oomf of shock.

“You mean to tell me that you left me some porn?”

“Art.” Cas looked away again. Dean laughed. “It might have been porn. You’ll have to tell me. Sometimes it’s not obvious.”

Dean sat up again. “It’s usually pretty obvious, Cas.” Dean got up and waited for Cas to do the same.

“Are you leaving?” Cas looked concerned.

“Yeah, you’re gonna show me this art that you left me.” Dean looped an arm over Cas’ shoulder and smiled. “You got a problem with that?”

“Not a bit.” Cas looped his arm around Dean’s waist and they walked back into the house together. It was quiet and peaceful and warm. Cas pulled him closer as they walked along toward the hall. It would make sense for them to part. The halls were wide, but walking side by side was maybe a little strange. Dean didn’t know what to make of this moment or the moments that were looming just seconds ahead of them both.

They got to the room, and there on his bed was a giant tome. _No way that’s porn._ He let go of Cas and stepped over to it. He reached down and flipped back the cover. “Ho--ly--shit” Dean stretched out the syllables as he stared down at the totally not art in front of him. This was some very progressive, ancient pornography right here.

“There is nothing holy about this.”

“Are you judging?”

“Not in the least.” He reached down flipped to the next page for Dean. “This one appears to be wearing lipstick.”

Dean looked down at the most unusual version of a squid he’d ever seen. It seemed to have lips, and maybe lipstick. It was doing impressive things besides. “So you spent some time with this book I see.” Dean waggled his eyebrows a little. “Didn’t know you were into the kinky stuff.” He gave Cas’ arm a little punch and said, “Sneaky bastard.”

“Neither term is apt for me. Well, I was sneaky once.” Dean slipped an arm back around his waist again and turned the page. It just got more and more _Vivid, Intense, Explicit._ There was no one right word.

“Thanks Cas.”

“For what?”

Dean turned his head slightly, keeping his arm around Cas. “The art, of course.” He smiled, and Cas turned the page.


	6. I Want More

“I need to check on a lead,” Cas announced as he walked into the kitchen two days after their time together looking at “art.” It could have gone somewhere, and it did. Dean learned just how cold the shower water could be.

Dean quickly shoveled the last couple of scoops of cereal into his mouth and said, “Cool, just let me get my stuff.”

Sam interrupted, “We said we’d meet mom in Montana.”

“You go. I’m going with Cas. Call if things get too hairy.” Dean got up.

Cas walked over to him. “You can go with your brother. I’m fine now, all healed.”

“You being fine,” Dean made air quotes, “is hardly the point. I told you we travel together now. You agreed. You gonna try to back out?”

“I was just giving you options.” Cas turned and walked back out of the room, and Dean quickly got up and disposed of his breakfast bowl in the sink.

Before he could get out of the room though, Sam said, “You taking your car or his truck?”

Dean stopped mid-step. “Huh?” He turned back. “Uh, I assumed that we’d take Baby. You could take the truck.”

Sam hummed a moment and just looked at Dean. Dean shifted about in place like he was fighting down the urge to cave. He knew Sam wanted the car, and that he’d have more use of it. Sam interrupted his thoughts,  “I”m worried.” Sam looked away at the wall. “I don’t think he’s healed.”

“What do you mean?” Dean came back into the room and stood close to the table just across from Sam.

“He’s putting on a good show, but haven’t you noticed?” Sam looked at him now. His eyes were sad pools just threatening to spill over. “He seems,” he struggled for the last words, “broken.”

“I think he’s still healing, but he’s far from broken. I imagine that it’s a pretty big deal having your body nearly rot to nothing.” Dean dropped down into the seat across from him folded his hands together in front of him.

“Just, maybe keep a really good eye on him.” Sam paused like he was still deciding how each sentence should go. “That and maybe talk to him about everything else.”

“What do you mean?” Dean leaned back away from the table a little, giving himself space so that the feelings talk wouldn’t have to be too intimate.

“It’s the same for him, but more complicated. He’s fighting against an infinite program that angels get when they are created. A basic command that is embedded in their brains tells them not to,“ Sam raised his hands and made air quotes as he continued, “get too close to humans.”

“I know that.”

“I know you know that.” Sam sounded exasperated. “You also know that if ever there was a rule, Cas has broken it. He’s actually broken damn near all the rules. He’s done a lot for us, even more for just you.”  Dean got up then and Sam did too. Sam rounded the table and pulled him into a quick hug. Before letting go he said, “It’s easy to just keep doing the same thing.” Dean let him go, and Sam leveled his gaze on him. “We decided already though, that that sort of thing doesn’t work. Remember that when you head out with Cas.”

Dean reached into his pocket and pulled out the keys. He handed them to Sam. “Here, you’ll need the weapons for your trip. We’re just meeting up with a pregnant woman. It’ll be easier for you to head out since the trunk is already stocked.”

“What’ll you two drive?” Sam stepped aside as Dean moved off toward the door and the hall.

“I don’t know. I’ll let Cas decide. He’s the one directing our journey.” Dean smiled back at Sam. “Try not to worry.”

“Yeah, you too.”

Dean took Sam’s words and let them swirl around in his head. None of it was anything new, just different when it comes at you from outside of your own head. He quickly filled his duffel bag and made his way out to the garage. Cas was already there, leaning up against the Impala. “Ready?”

“Almost. We need to pick a ride. I gave Sam the keys to Baby.”

“Oh.” Cas popped off the trunk and moved like he was floating a little. He didn’t seem like he was broken like Sam was saying.

“Figured you could pick the vehicle. Let me know the bay number and I’ll fetch the keys.” Dean moved over to the far wall and opened the little cabinet that held all of the keys.

Cas wandered down the line of vehicles and hollered back, “A9.”

Dean laughed at him and hollered back, “We won’t get far.”

“Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.” A9 was the bay that held the very impractical speed boat. It made sense that they had one, but it was hardly likely that they’d ever use it. A few moments later and Cas called over again, “B7.” This time Dean knew he was serious.

“Really?”

“Really.”

He had to be sure. They never took out the motorcycle. He knew it ran beautifully. He’d worked on it some just to be sure. It was a Triumph, all polished metal and black. Gorgeous. He’d seen one other one like it not long ago when they were on a hunt. It got him thinking that maybe sometimes it might be nice to just feel the wind and roar of the drive. Dean snagged the keys and walked back to Cas. “Okay, Brando.” Dean tossed the keys to him. “You know how to drive one of these?”

“I’m familiar, yes.”

Cas got on and Dean got on behind him. He looped his bag over his shoulder to secure it more. Cas passed him a helmet. Dean put it on. Cas didn’t put one on his own head at first. “You should wear one too. It’ll draw less attention in the states that require it.”

Cas shrugged, and put on the second helmet that he had been preparing to set down on the garage floor. Cas started the bike up, and it purred beautifully to life. Dean smiled with pleasure. It worked because he made it work. It would be nice to experience it on the road. He slid his arms around Cas’ waist and let him walk the bike backwards into the center of the garage. Then Cas said, “Hold on. Let’s see what she can do.”

With that little warning, Cas sped out of the bunker’s garage and into broad daylight. Dean clutched at Cas tightly as they rounded the first turn out onto the road. _This was a mistake, a big mistake. Angel with a death wish here._ He could hear Cas’ laugh melodious and loud over the noise of the engine. They raced along the small rural road. They headed toward the main road that lay beyond. From there, they’d head north, Dean reckoned. It was how they’d end up on the interstate.

Dean tucked his head up onto Cas’ shoulder. “Where are we going?”

“North Dakota.” Dean left his head propped up on Cas’ shoulder and stared out at the wide stretch of land that was a smear of greens and browns on either side of them. Cas did not slow down. He was moving along so fast, in fact, that Dean thought that he’d likely get to North Dakota in no time at all.

They didn’t try to talk. There was no point with the noise of the engine and the roar of the wind to fill the space around them. Dean was content though, and the miles raced by. Hours later and he felt his head lulling a bit to the side. He wasn’t tired necessarily, but he was maybe hungry. Cas seemed to notice. They found a little diner and parked. Dean got off the bike first and felt like all of his limbs had turned to jelly. Cas slipped a hand up under his arm. “I’m okay,” Dean muttered.

“We should take more frequent breaks.” Cas looked at him with concern.

“Nah, I just haven’t ridden much lately. It’s like getting your sea legs.” They strolled into the diner together and took over a booth. Cas almost sat next to him, but then seemed to realize that it was just them. He moved to the other side across from Dean. “You gonna eat?”

“I’ll order whatever you want more of.” He smiled as he said it, and Dean felt like this should be his new normal, Cas just smiling at him and offering him food. “There’s a motel down the street. We could call it a day and make the rest of the journey tomorrow.”

“You still haven’t told me about your lead. All I know is that we’re going to North Dakota.”

Cas rubbed his hands together over the menu. “Supposedly she’s been seen at a women’s shelter.”

Dean set down his menu. “That’ll make it hard to get to her. They tend to want to keep random men out of those sorts of places.”

“Yeah.”

“You can order me some of the bacon wrapped tater tots.” Dean glanced back over his shoulder at the waitress, and gave her a wave to signify that he was ready to order.

“What would Sam say?”

“He’s say a lot of things, Cas. Good thing we left him at home.” Dean smirked.

The waitress came to their table and pressed her pencil to the pad saying, “What you boys eating?”

They ordered and she headed off to take care of it. Dean stared out the window for a bit and looked right through the reflection of Cas to the darkening world outside. “What’ll we do when we find her?”

Dean turned back to Cas. There weren’t many people in the place. Cas swiped a hand back into his hair. “I don’t know. I’m not sure what’s right.”

Dean had to think about it. What they’d do and why was the kind of thing that sat uneasily on his shoulders. She was innocent. Her baby was innocent, and yet here they were hunting her like she was a common demon. Cas had painted a picture that was simple. Kelly’s child, Lucifer’s child, was an abomination. And it didn’t take much for Dean to make other connections to that.

“Dean?” Cas interrupted his thoughts.

“Yeah.”

“You’re upset.” He leaned forward a little across the table. Dean wanted to just get out of there. He wanted to find excuses to never make it to North Dakota or Kelly. He wanted to find good reasons to hug Cas again. They’d made a habit of it, and he didn’t want to lose that.

“You think that the child is an abomination.”

“Yes.”

And that answer hurt, because Dean didn’t think one could blame the baby for what brought it into existence. “Seems unfair.”

“How so?”

“How so?” Dean lowered his voice and continued. “The baby didn’t ask to be born, Cas.”

“What makes this child an abomination is the fact that Lucifer took away her agency. He let her believe that he was someone he wasn’t. He consciously made the child. He was selfish and did nothing out of love. Love is what would turn this abominable act into something of worth. I don’t want to kill the child. I want to find a better way.”

“So if he had loved her…”

Cas interrupted him, “No,” Cas reached across the table and set his hand on Dean’s arm. “Even that would not be enough.”

“Why?” Dean felt like every nerve began and ended exactly where Cas’ hand sat on him.

“If he’d loved her, then he wouldn’t have done that. He wouldn’t have doomed her to a life of near constant running and fighting. He wouldn’t have doomed her to a future that would absolutely include the death of her child. And the child will die. It’s a given. Not once, not even for a fraction of an instant did I consider that he loved her, because he couldn’t love her and do this to her. If you love someone, your goal should be to get them as far from danger and pain as possible.”

Dean pulled his arm away as the waitress showed up with their food. She slid it across the table announcing what was on the plates with the moves. Dean thanked her and focused on the eating. His mind bounded through what Cas had said though.

“Could he have loved her though?” Dean watched Cas for a response. He was poking the bacon wrapped tater tots with his fork, moving them around a bit.

“He could have, but he didn’t.” Cas stabbed one of the taters with a little extra force. “He strangled her in the motel room when she said that she didn’t intend to keep the baby. Lucifer and Ishim are not so different it seems.”

Dean tried to refocus and just eat his burger. They both fell into a prolonged silence until the food was gone. Dean finished off his drink with a noisy slurp. “I think we should call it a day, drive the rest in the morning.” The whole drive was maybe 11 hours total, but Dean didn’t want to be on the bike for any longer. Dean got up and walked off to the counter to pay. Cas followed at his heel. When they were back outside, the night air biting into them, Dean said, “So it wasn’t that he slept with her. It was that he was selfish.”

Cas stalked over to the bike and got on. Dean got on behind him and strapped on the helmet. Before Cas started the bike up again, he said, “I don’t imagine that my brethren would agree, but yes. I think, that his intentions are what make this child wrong.”

“Maybe it’s not the child that’s wrong. Maybe it’s just Lucifer. Maybe we can find a way to deal with this that doesn’t have to punish the child for what his or her father has done.” Dean thought about the weight of that. Carrying the sins of your parents is too much. One has their own sins to be mindful of.

“Perhaps.” The bike roared to life and they drove down the street to the motel.

The place was like all the others, worn down and in need of several remodeling efforts. Dean just got a room with one bed. Cas wasn't going to sleep anyway. He tossed his bag on the dresser and got out a change of clothes for bed. “Gonna hit the shower.” Cas just nodded.

Dean made short work of it in the shower, a quick scrub of his hair with the cheap motel shampoo and a barely sudsy scrub of his body with the hard motel soap. He emerged in a cloud of steam wearing his sweatpants and a t-shirt, drying his hair with the towel.

Cas watched from his place on the bed, his back to the headboard, shoes off, coat off, tie gone, sleeves rolled up. He had his laptop open and resting on his legs. Dean noted the way Cas seemed to look over him in a more appreciative way. His gaze roamed from head to chest to what Dean could only assume was the rest of him. _Sacred oaths can suck it._

“Researching?” Dean asked. Cas hummed a response as he gave his gaze back to the screen. Dean came to the bed and tossed aside the comforter and sheets. He tossed himself down, and the effort jostled Cas a little. Dean smiled and considered how appropriate it would be to curl up around Cas and fall asleep. “Whatcha reading about?”

“Dagon.” Strange how one word could shift a mood. Dean sat up and leaned into Cas’ space. He'd pulled up a book from the bunker's archive. The image was odd. It was a creature more fish than human in form. “This is just an odd rendering and not likely what one would find in this case.”

“Ramiel mentioned that one.” Dean didn't want to go down this path. This was a path that painted everything in abominable hues.

Cas closed up the laptop. “You need to sleep. We can talk about it in the morning.”

Dean was not to be put off entirely. He heard the tone in Cas’ words, and that set him off. “You don’t get to go off on your own on this one. You know that right?” Dean reached out to him and set his hand on Cas’ waist. Cas stared at the ceiling then put his laptop on the floor beside the bed. The way he rolled a little, made Dean’s hand slip off into the space between them.

Cas eased down into the bed a little more and rolled onto his side to face Dean. “I know.” His shirt rucked up a little, and Dean could see the unblemished skin of his abdomen peeking out.

Dean rolled a little more onto his side as well, and moved his hand to that small patch of skin that was showing. He needed to touch him. He needed to feel that he was healed and not cracked and breaking like he was before. He kept his hand on Cas as they each silently appraised each other. “So you’ll keep your promise?”

“Are you okay, Dean?” The question seemed to come out of nowhere. Dean blanched a little.

“Yeah, why are you changing the subject?”

“I’m not. It’s the same subject. You just keep saying you’re fine. You’re not.” Cas tipped his head back a little and made a frustrated little groan. “Just talk to me. You said that we needed to do that, but you won’t.”

Dean’s fingers skittered over Cas’ skin. He was here. He was right here. And Dean had to think a moment. He had to come to his own understandings before he could answer Cas. Somehow Cas seemed to know that and let him have this moment of quiet contemplation. Dean loved him; that much was already certain. Dean knew that he could be content with the simple connections that they forged. He’d be content with the hugs that seemed to last and last. He’d be content with the moments of closeness, air shared between them like kisses. He’d even be content to never have anything more, but boy, he sure wanted more.

Dean let his fingers trace patterns on Cas’ skin. He moved his other hand out and brushed aside a stray bit of hair that was hanging low on Cas’ forehead. “I wasn’t lying when I said that I was fine or okay. I really am. That’s not saying much though, is it?” Dean swallowed hard and looked away a moment.

“It’s what Winchesters say when they just don’t want to talk about all the ways that they are hurting.” Cas adjusted his elbow that was nestled in the mattress and propped his head up more. He reached out to Dean and let his fingers drag up Dean’s arm. “I don’t want you to hurt.”

“I’m content. I thought about everything that’s been bothering me, and I’ve determined that I can live with that. I honestly can’t ask for anything more than that.” Dean found himself following the path of Cas’ fingers as they dragged up and down his arm. His own fingers were now forming infinity loops that extended to Cas’ hip, just brushing the edge of his pants.

“You hardly ask for anything. You ask me to talk to you, which is not exactly a major request.”

Dean laughed and said, “So how ‘bout them Royals?”

“You know what I mean,” Cas said as he edged closer. “You asked me to stay close to you, to not go off on missions alone. Well, here I am. I’m pretty close.” Cas’ fingers slowed in their movements like he was maybe thinking of changing the pattern.

Dean thought about what Sam had said, _It’s easy doing the same thing. That doesn’t work._ He knew he hadn’t quite remembered it exactly as Sam had said it, but he got the gist of it. “I enjoy hugging you. I want to keep doing that.” It wasn’t quite what he wanted to say, but it was a confession of sorts.

“I too enjoy being close to you like that. I like feeling your heartbeat and the way that your breathing hitches up.” Cas dragged his hand back up Dean’s arm to the sleeve of his t-shirt. He slid his fingers under the hem of it and massaged at the muscle there.

It was his hand under Dean’s clothing that made him bold. He let his fingers dip under the edge of Cas’ trousers to better feel his hip. “Being close like that doesn’t break the sacred angel oath?” He could see himself tossing aside all caution now. He settled his palm flat against Cas’ hip, his hand far more in his pants than out. He waited for the answer.

“I’ve been breaking that oath for years where you’re concerned.” His lips curled up into a half grin that quickly fell away. He continued, “I can’t ask you for anything. It doesn’t mean that the desire isn’t there.”

Dean licked his lips and leaned closer. “You have desires?”

“Thought it seemed pretty clear.”

“I thought that I’d lost you. I can’t lose you.”

“I was ready to die, but I had a long list of regrets. I’m glad that things did not end like that. At least I got to tell you, clearly, that I love you.”

“I told myself you meant my whole family. I told myself you meant that we were all family. Then I had to tell you in the car that I love you too, and I didn’t mean it that way.”

“How’d you mean it,” Cas asked.

“You first.” Dean was nervous now. He was reading the signs. He knew this wasn’t the way family behaved. He had his hand in Cas’ pants. The angel was mere inches from his lips. The intimacy of the moment, the warm air that surrounded them, was about to turn into something more. All too often, they had been forced to part, forced to run, forced to postpone the inevitable conclusion of so much building between them. He wanted to taste him for hours or days or years. He wanted to feel Cas’ hand tangled up in his hair, the slow drag of his lips over stubble and pulse points.

“I love you, all of you, Dean. I love your idiotic desire to always dive headlong into danger. I love your compassion, your kindness, your simple joys. I love your stupid jokes that you think I don’t understand. And the way that you say things to me that you think go over my head, but none of it does. I get those references now, and I know what you mean. You love me Dean, in that way that one does when they want to touch someone, taste someone, be with someone. What I want from you, is so selfish that I can’t ask for it. I’d be no better than Lucifer, than Ishim. I stepped aside before, so you could have a normal life with a good woman. I won’t stand in the way of you having the life you deserve.” He started to pull away then.

Dean curled his fingers a little at Cas’ hip to keep him in place. He could easily break the connection with Dean if he wanted to. It mattered a great deal that he didn’t. Dean leaned in close and kissed him quick. He ended it within mere seconds. “Does it matter to you what I want?”

“A great deal.”

“I want it to not be weird that I want you. I want it to be perfectly normal. I want to be able to kiss you without a sea of words having to fill the space between us first. I want to hold you. I want to do that all the time, whenever the mood comes on me. I want that to be normal. I want you to want that too. I think you do want that. If you don’t you need to tell me. If you don’t want that, I can be content. If you can’t look at me without thinking this is an abomination, then I will find a way to be fine with less. I want more though. I want so much more.” Dean swallowed back any further confession.  

“You are the furthest thing from an abomination.” Cas leaned in closer and just as his lips were about to brush over Dean’s he said, “I want more too.”

Dean pulled in a deep breath as Cas, solid and warm, rolled over into Dean’s space. He kissed him hard and deep. Dean pulled him still closer and rolled onto his back, dragging Cas on top of him. Dean didn’t have anything packed for this. He had been operating in a world of semi-hopelessness and chaste hugging. Actually it was some pretty advanced cuddling, but he didn’t think this would be the outcome.

Cas rolled his hips like he’d done this before. There was a languidness to it all, that got Dean’s pulse to pumping faster. Cas let him breathe as he dragged his kisses down the bolt of Dean’s jaw, to his neck, where he nestled in. Dean dragged his fingers up and down Cas’ back under his shirt. There were so many layers between them. Cas seemed to realize the same thing and sat upright, straddling Dean beneath him. He unbuttoned his shirt slowly, like he knew the effect of such things on Dean’s fragile self-control.

Dean rolled his hips and pulled Cas’ body down hard to increase the friction. He finally tossed the shirt aside and made Dean address his own shirt with a nod. Dean complied by reaching back over his head and pulling the neckline of the shirt up and over his head. He tossed the shirt off the bed. Dean reached for Cas’ button and zipper in an attempt at divulging him of his pants. This plan would fail though, as both of them could see that Cas would have to get up.

Cas got up, pulled off Dean’s sweatpants and underwear in one fluid move. He stood and looked down on him. Dean felt the heat rising in his face. It was one thing to be close, to touch each other. It was quite another to be the object of such scrutiny. “You gonna just stare at me, Cas?”

Cas pulled off his pants and stood before Dean. _Naked. Cas is naked. I’m naked. Cas is very naked._ Cas didn’t come back down to the bed right away. He stared, and Dean should be use to that. Half the time they spent together was just them staring at each other. Dean got up then and moved into his space. He pressed in close, letting his chest come into contact first. “I want it to be normal for me to just look at you sometimes.” Cas moved back a little, seemingly to continue looking at Dean but from much closer now.

“Okay.” Dean pushed down the nervousness that came from being the object of such attention. Touching he understood. It was a distraction from what one might see if they looked too much. Dean worried about how Cas might see him. He was a little broken, a little old, a little tired. Cas was an angel.

Cas laid his palms on Dean’s chest. Dean walked him back to the wall. The room was dark, but enough light was coming in through the not so thick fabric of the motel curtains. There was a neon sign out front proclaiming vacancies. The pink light of it, sent a glow into the room. Cas let his fingers trace routes between Dean’s freckles, scattered about his chest and shoulders. Cas let his fingers glide down to Dean’s stomach, where he ran his hands out to either side. He leaned in and kissed him.

Cas nosed at him a little as he dragged kisses back into Dean’s hair. Dean pressed his body close and felt Cas hard against him. He rolled his hips, and Cas did the same. He loved him. Dean felt his own body shudder and shake with the slip and slide of them against each other. Dean dropped to his knees and looked up at Cas, like he was worshipping him. Cas cupped his cheek in his hand, ran his thumb over him lovingly. He smiled down at Dean. “I love all of you.”

Dean smiled back and leaned in. He dragged his tongue over him before committing fully to the act. He loved him too, loved all of him. This was their new normal, their progress. Cas came and Dean did too. Dean wondered if the rest of the angels knew it. He told himself he didn’t care. He would fight to keep this. He wanted all of this, everyday, until the end of all things. Cas dragged him back up to standing. He swept a thumb over Dean’s lips to wipe away the evidence of his actions.

Cas moved him back to the bed. Dean was spent. He lowered him into the bed and joined him. He curled in around him. Cas didn’t close his eyes. He watched him up close. There was much that required their attention. There was the present case of Kelly, Dagon, Mary’s wayward ways, the British. All of that fell away as Dean stared back into Cas’ eyes up close and solely on him. They’d sleep. Well, Dean would sleep. Cas would hold him through the night, and in the morning, he’d be there with Dean getting through what was to come.

**Author's Note:**

> As always thank you for any kudos you feel like leaving and any kind words. You can also find me on Tumblr under the name [Spearywritesstuff](http://spearywritesstuff.tumblr.com/)


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